The Rage Index Redux

Well.

It took three weeks and 476,893 text-messaged votes (standard texting charges + $0.99 per message) from all 50 states and however crazy many crazy provinces there are in crazy Canada. Guided by the same faultless, perfect, universal logic behind focus groups, futures markets, American Idol voting, and McCarthyism -- namely that collective intelligence is always right, all the time -- we finally have a fully-crystallized Rage Index, ready for public review.

Behold, the Arctopus:

1 - Chill (3,1,0.2)*
2 - Hang Out (3,1,0.2)
3 - Kick It (3,1,0.2)
4 - Get Wasted (5,4,0.1)
5 - Get Awesome (9,4,0.5)
6 - Get Out of Control (O.O.C.) (8,5, 0.3)
7 - Rage (10, 6, 0.4)
8 - Get Really Real (9,6, 0.3)
9 - Some Next Level Shit (10, 7, 0.3)
9.5 - Get Fucked Out of Your Minds (10,8, 0.2)
10 - Vision Quest**
*(maximum score, minimum score, range of response)
**added later due to irrefutable logic and intensity of personal experiences with evenings described as VQs

As my sociology professors always said: "Let's unpack this."

The first thing worth noting is that the bottom three choices (Chill, Hang Out, Kick It) all had identical minimums, maximums, and response ranges. They scored similarly enough amongst all the responses that we could easily interchange them to refer to the same thing. "Let's chill tonight," Let's hang out tonight," and "Let's kick it tonight" all mean basically the same thing, usually involving the drinking of less than or equal to 4 beers and going home by midnight.

The item with the lowest range of responses was Get Wasted. It's a known quantity, with little confusion or consternation surrounding what it "means" to be Get Wasted. Most people put it halfway or just below halfway on the scale. As a society, when one says "I got wasted last night," there is no uncertainty about what one means. We can easily envision what this person did (drank at least 7 beers [or 5 beers and 1 Sparks [[or 5 beers and 1 mixed drink or shot [[[or no beers but at least 3 mixed drinks or shots and any combination of Sparks]]]]]], saying some funny shit that makes only tangential sense, possibly freestyle rapping over "The Black Album" with your other drunk, white friends) without asking additional questions.

The item with the highest range of responses was Get Awesome. It was voted as high as a "9" (extremely rageful) and as low as a "4" (almost halfway), which ultimately is close to where it wound up ("5"). This indicates that while most people probably consider Getting Awesome to be one step above the low-key evening described a few paragraphs ago, a select few equate it to an evening licking uncut cocaine off a Honduran child prostitute at a masked orgy. Where does the cultural confusion persist for Getting Awesome? This deserves further academic investigation from my colleagues in the Rage Studies community.

Another item with a high range of response was Rage, the very word the index is named after. While everyone placed it above the halfway mark, some made it a "10" (the most intense parties of all time, think ritualistic sacrifices), and some made it a "6" (one step above Getting Awesome, usually involves puking in a stranger's toilet before passing out on the tile while others knock angrily on the door because they have to pee and can't figure out why this asshole is hogging the bathroom). Like Getting Awesome, Rage deserves further analysis from the Ivory Tower of academia.

But this is about so much more than academia. Knowledge alone can't pay the mortgages on my Bermuda timeshares. I need THE PAPER, as the rappers would say. So, I've got a Rage Index business venture in the works.

Party-planning logarithims.

How does this work, you may ask? Let me explain.

Example 1: Mr. Wilson and Ms. Phillips would like to throw a party to celebrate Mr. Wilson's recent job promotion. They want a fun party, but don't want it to get out of control. Why? Because they are fucking pussies. Their motivations are besides the point though, the point is that they don't want to get too crazy.

So they take a look at the Rage Index (trademark*) and decide that they want a "3" -- in other words, they would like to Kick It. They input this request into the software and are immediately given 3 scenarios for how to create the party atmosphere conducive to Kicking It. See below.

Database Query Results for "Kicking It"
a) Alcohol: BYOB, only one 12-pack of high-class imported beer available as back-up
Drugs: One bowl of marijuana, shared among all guests to disperse highness
Food: vegetables and dip
Music: Dave Matthews Band
Orgy?: No
Size Limit: 8 guests

b) Alcohol: Red Wine, only four large bottles
Food: Chips and Dip (two bags, one jar)
Drugs: None
Music: Quasi-urban (i.e. yes to Justin Timberlake, no to Three Six Mafia)
Orgy?: No
Size Limit: 10 guests

c) Alcohol: Mixed drinks, one bottle of high-class vodka (tequila prohibited)
Food: Full Dinner, to counteract effects of hard alcohol
Drugs: None
Music: Ani DiFranco
Orgy?: No
Size Limit: 10 guests

Do you see how easy this makes their party planning experience? Let's look at another scenario.

Example 2: Mr. Hall and Mr. Oates are successful trial lawyers in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Their wives are out of town for the weekend. They want to almost die in the name of raging over this one weekend of sweet freedom. They look at the Rage Index (trademark*) and decide they want a "9" -- in other words, they would like to Get Into Some Next Level Shit. Beep, boop, ding, zing, the computer tells them what to do.

Database Query Results for "Some Next Level Shit"
a) Alcohol: 3 bottles of absinthe
Drugs: Cocaine, Marijuana
Music: Spank Rock, The Rapture
Orgy?: Use best judgement
Size: 20 guests

b) Alcohol: 4 kegs of low-grade domestic beer
Drugs: Cocaine, Marijuana, painkillers
Music: that one song about "sucking on my titties like you wanna" played on repeat
Orgy?: Yes
Size: 30 guests, preferably masked and physically attractive

c) Alcohol: Gin, neat
Drugs: Shrooms
Music: Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, Phish, other hippy shit
Orgy?: Probably impossible
Size: Hard to tell, everything so hazy

I mean wow! What a powerful application! How much would you be willing to pay for such a revolutionary, life-changing product?

My bet is at least three installments of $99.99 (not including shipping or handling).